Loss of self
I can't sing anymore.
As I have mentioned on and off since November, I have chronic laryngitis. Laryngitis is a common ailment among teachers: the challenge of getting and keeping the attention of over 20 students often leads to vocal stress. But since Novemeber, I haven't been able to speak without hoarseness. I finally got in to see a specialist, who confirmed that I have microscopic nodules on my vocal cords. Who knew such tiny bumps could cause such problems?
Well. I did. Kind of. I had vocal nodules back in university, when I was a vocal major. I did vocal therapy with my voice teacher, got better and rarely gave it much thought. Even then, I could still vocalize, albeit with a breathy sound that my university voice jury found unattractive.
But this time, I cannot sing. Maybe a bit in the lower registers. But when I try to move up the scale, my voice simply shorts out. No sound. Nada. No matter how hard I try to support properly and do it right.
I never realized how much singing makes me who I am. I have always vocalized constantly, whether singing to myself, singing with the radio or CD or in actual performance. I think of myself, as my true self, as a singer. And now I am a singer who cannot sing.
My specialist has sent me to a speech pathologist, who laid down the law to me about what I need to do in my work and in my private life. She was tough and sympathetic and told me exactly what I need to hear. We can make this better, but I have to be completely serious about doing what I need to do in order to heal my voice. So, today, I am off work. I am to maintain absolute silence until Monday morning. No talking, whispering, or vocalizing of any kind for 80 hours. Then we shall see what rest has done to restore my voice.
First we heal, then we fix the things that created this problem in the first place. And if I work hard, I might just find myself again.
As I have mentioned on and off since November, I have chronic laryngitis. Laryngitis is a common ailment among teachers: the challenge of getting and keeping the attention of over 20 students often leads to vocal stress. But since Novemeber, I haven't been able to speak without hoarseness. I finally got in to see a specialist, who confirmed that I have microscopic nodules on my vocal cords. Who knew such tiny bumps could cause such problems?
Well. I did. Kind of. I had vocal nodules back in university, when I was a vocal major. I did vocal therapy with my voice teacher, got better and rarely gave it much thought. Even then, I could still vocalize, albeit with a breathy sound that my university voice jury found unattractive.
But this time, I cannot sing. Maybe a bit in the lower registers. But when I try to move up the scale, my voice simply shorts out. No sound. Nada. No matter how hard I try to support properly and do it right.
I never realized how much singing makes me who I am. I have always vocalized constantly, whether singing to myself, singing with the radio or CD or in actual performance. I think of myself, as my true self, as a singer. And now I am a singer who cannot sing.
My specialist has sent me to a speech pathologist, who laid down the law to me about what I need to do in my work and in my private life. She was tough and sympathetic and told me exactly what I need to hear. We can make this better, but I have to be completely serious about doing what I need to do in order to heal my voice. So, today, I am off work. I am to maintain absolute silence until Monday morning. No talking, whispering, or vocalizing of any kind for 80 hours. Then we shall see what rest has done to restore my voice.
First we heal, then we fix the things that created this problem in the first place. And if I work hard, I might just find myself again.
posted by allison | 11:43 AM
6 Comments:
So lots of internetting and IMing?
Sometimes my brother and I would briefly MSN, despite being in the same house. My Uni housemates and I did similar- our lounge was in the basement, and Steve lived on the top floor (3 flights of stairs up from the basement). We did once ring his mobile from the basement phone, to tell him a TV show was on. Rather than go up the 3 flights of stairs.
IM with Grant! Or are you going to have white boards like the Scooby Gang in "Hush"? Ooh, you should watch that!
(Feel better soon!)
Yikes. I don't think I could imagine being silent for 80 hours. I guess that says something, right? I hope you get your you back soon.
Ouch. I was hoping this silence was due to something crazy like becoming a monk. Are there lady monks? And are the robes more flattering?
Yikes. That must be so hard to do.
Take care of yourself, honey.
*kisses*
Holy shit twinnie. I take a leave of absence to get a project done and return to find my sweet Allison is voiceless.
I guess that means we won't be talking on the phone anytime soon. I'm hoarse too (because I'm your twin you know [wink]) but mine is just the gosh darn pollen.
Love you.
Cindy
Nodes are awful! I hope the enforced silence went a way towards helping you heal. *hugs*
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